24 Hours with anxiety​

The unexplained fear, racy heart and sweaty palms, the three daily symptoms of my anxiety and panic disorder.

The room was filled with silence my mind so stressed out I feel like my heart is going to come right out of my body, my breathing becomes labored and shallow. An anxiety attack, the best way to ruin a good day. Some days they are so bad I can’t function, the littlest things set me off, unanswered texts, a friend who is late to my house, food taking too long to cook, and the most simple of all showering. Self-care is one of the hardest, my curly hair tied up in a messy bun, unbrushed for a few days, put up to dry from my shower the day before.
I grab myself a cup of coffee, take my medication, and let Bailey play outside. As I sit there, enjoying my medical joint of the morning, I think Not today Anxiety, Not Today! As it comes to the end, I call for Bailey, and we go about and start the day. My first house task, cleaning the kitchen, I look around and imminently feel over whelmed, and disorganized. Disorganization is one of my biggest triggers for a panic attack, so I try and make sense of the situation as fast as I can. As the kitchen gets under control, I am able to think of the next, daunting task, the worst of them all, the process is so stressful, and timing has to be just right. This task is laundry, which can take me up to a week or 10 days, to go through the whole process. I usually just found it easier to buy new clothes. That is another story. As the day goes on I am very aware of my daily limit on what I can do, this did not happen over night, but with great help from therapy, and self-help little progress is possible.
It is not 1 pm and I am exhausted and ready for a nap, I try to fight the sleepiness, sitting outside watching my little girl play outside, while the sun shines on my pale skin. I have had a very strong change of thought and heart about being in the sun since I was a teenager, Bronzer can do wonders! As time passes I just become more and more anxious, about what. who knows. Due to my illness, I have not be permitted to work, so I started Bipolarbree, it is more than just a blog, but a way to interact with others suffering.  I started a twitter account and Facebook accounts for all of you.

 

FaceBook: Bipolarbree1
Twitter- @Bipolarbree1

Business Inquires Email- Bipolarbree1@gmail.com

Mental Health Day’s

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I apologize for the lack of posts some weeks, it is not that I am not thinking or care about you all. It is my mental health calling and messing up my days when it was going all so great. One of the most frustrating traits of having bi-polar1. Some days I am so manic, I can not even try to put words together, let alone a thoughtful and educational post. Other days, I can’t get my mind to wake up enough to write, sleep is all my body craves and that is what I give it, along with my daily yoga. So in between these days I write, express myself and do my best to help myself and others.

The days I do post when manic, I apologize if my posts aren’t up to my own standard or aren’t always clear. My mind and raw emotions are at their finest.As I learn to handle my anxiety and bi-polar, I hope to be on a bi- weekly posting schedule. On these days I am reachable on Twitter at @bipolarbree1.

As I learn to handle my anxiety and bipolar, I hope to be on a bi- weekly posting schedule. All days I am reachable on Twitter at @bipolarbree1. Thank you for your understanding in advance.

 

 

The New Therapist​

Hi, I’m Bree, and traditional talk therapy is not my thing. I placed my bag down, and made myself comfortable, as my therapist said, “this isn’t therapy we are just going to talk.” If this isn’t therapy than what is it? I said nervously. I know you have been seeing our trauma therapist, and he has gotten you to release some of your pain and show any emotion. I am here for you, to talk, to help you make daily choices, and to improve your quality of life with Bi-polar. This therapy session was so different than any one I have been to. It was different in that she did not have to pray to get information out of me, I did not hold back, even the darkest, and most painful events. I just kind of trusted in her, and really opened up to accept help. We talked, laughed, and started to form a plan for me to start working on. As the session went on I really felt that I was the most open and honest I have ever been. Starting to form this new medical-professional relationship, was scary, but exciting. I even received her personal E-mail, If I never needed to talk, vent or just scream. I have never had any therapist, be that willing, and to go that extreme for me. I felt much more like a person, than just another appointment in their day. As the session came to an end, we invited my mom back, my mom is my best friend and biggest supporter through all of this. We told her our plan and just chatted. Leaving the office I felt relaxed, and a lot less anxious. I look forward to our next appointment. It has taken me about 5 years to find the right therapist, I always had to have some form of therapy weekly, but noting really worked, or clicked like I felt this appointment went today. So if you are struggling to find the right therapist do not stop looking, ask your primary doctors if there is somebody they could recommend, this is how I came across my therapist, and it is awesome that both doctors work in the same office, so there will be no mis information or delayed flies between them, which is a huge plus for me. Therapy does not have to be expensive, but make sure your doctor has had the right training in your area of help. For example, when I first came out to my family and moved back from NYC. I looked for a one who specializes in LBGT, Anxieties, PTSD and Addiction.

The Mental Health Tag.. About me Q&A

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This is a little fun Q&A to allow you to get to know me better,
Q) When were you diagnosed, and what lead up to it 

A) I was first diagnosed with General Anxiety disorder back in 2007, then things go more serious, in 2012-20-14. I started to self-medicate with alcohol and prescription drugs.  In 2016 I was hospitalized and put in rehab for alcoholism and or alcohol abuse. From rehab, I saw a trauma therapist and Board Certified Medical Psychologist Psychopharmacologist who diagnosed me with PTSD, and Bipolar1 disorder, along with   Anxiety, and OCD.

Q)  What Therapy and medications have you tried, and have any of them worked?
  A)  I have tried, and still attend many forms of therapy, including group, trauma, weekly therapy sessions. I am on an anti- psychotic antidepressant, both are working great, but only in conjunction with therapy, CBT, Trauma, and Rapid Resolution Therapy. RRT has worked the best for me, and I have seen the most progress with myself going for RRT.
Q)  Do my Family and Friends know about my mental illness and addictions.
 A) Of course, my family knows, mental illness cannot be fought alone, or talked about enough. My parents and longtime partner are both heavily involved with my well-being, I could not survive each day without them.
Q) Does it affect your daily life and work?
 A) My bipolar and anxiety disorder affect my life in ways I not have imagined but turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I now focus my energy on my blog and my wellness.
Q) What makes me feel calm? 
 A) To feel calm I have always had this very soft object in my hand to play with, and take my attention away from the stressor.  I will be speaking about this in a post, and have it being offered to you all.
Q) What makes me smile?
 A)  There are so many things that make me smile, but one thing for sure to make me smile is my puppy Bailey and Dog Quincy.
Q) What advice could I give others suffering?
  A)  I would say speak up, this is not something we can be silent about, we already suffer enough because we have a disorder of our minds, that is not apparent on the outside, most of the time.
 Please Share, and Answer these questions yourself, then tag yourself. xoxo

Nominated​ For Liebster Award

I am literally speechless when I received the news that I was up for a Liebster Award. It is such an honor to be recognized at such an early stage of BipolarBree1.

Nominated for Best Liebster Award,! Neurodivergenceblog on WordPress. Thank you so much anxiouswriter for believing in my work.
About me 
Q)  What is your favorite book/movie and why?
A) My favorite book is A Beautiful Mind, It just stuck with me, that even with mental illness we are brilliant.
Q) Why do you blog?
A) I started BipolarBree because I felt I had enough experience with trauma, OCD, Anxiety, Addiction  and Bi-polar1 to share with others who are going through almost the same thing. It is never to early to speak up.
Q) What’s your favorite memory?
A) One of the favorite memories I have is when I officially got to keep my puppy Bailey, I have written a post about her, and how she saves my life everyday.
Q)  What are your hobbies?
A) My hobbies include blogging,researching, ariel yoga art especially oil and acrylic painting, and taking care of my little three year old Cocker spaniel.
Q) What’s the goofiest/craziest thing you’ve ever done with a friend?
A) The craziest and gooiest thing iv done with my best friend, there are so many but I have to say it was when my parents were out to dinner, and my girlfriend and I decided to give my older dog a hair cut and bath, mom thought it was all great, but we gave him a mohawk, and than dyed it red. Oh she was mad, but only for a few moments.
Q) What’s your favorite thing about yourself? Least favorite?
A)  My favorite thing about myself is my creative mind, although it can get me into trouble, and the least favorite would have to be my daily anxiety, Medication and intense therapy help, but it is something I will be battling forever.
Q) Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
A)  I am a little bit of both because I have many mood swings due to my bi-polar which brings out the sound, unfiltered and wild  side when I am manic.
Q) What do you regret in life?
 A) I do not have many regrets, I try not to regret anything,one regret is not being with my Girlfriend when she needs me, because I am stuck.
Q) What accomplishment of yours are you the most proud of?
A)  The accomplishment I am most proud of is starting my blog Bipolarbree1.
Q) What’s your goal in life?
A) My life goal,I have many, one is to branch Bipolarbree1 to a mental health help reach out, and pool of information, experiences, and doctoral articles.
Q) Do you have a message you want to tell the world? If yes, what is it?
A)  The message I want to send to the world is that, it is ok if you suffer from Anxiety, OCD, PTSD,
My bloggers
I am so new to blogging, I am just starting to research and become inspired. What inspired me to start a blog, was what I could offer others.
 I nominate
My Questions:
1) What inspired you to write a blog, and on your chosen topics.
2) What is that one post made by you that you like the most, and why?
3) Would you rather explore the deep ocean or outer space?
4) Do you think education, as it is today, does justice to life and learning?
5) For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
6) Give a tip for other bloggers or potential blog starters
7) When you have a writer’s block what do you do to work it out?
8) If you could be any super hero, who would you be and why?
9) What is the scariest thing you have experienced while traveling?
10) Does blogging replace or enhance journalling?
11) If you suffer from Bi-polar1, How do you focus your writing when in a manic state?

Rapid Resolution Therapy​.

Make it stop, does it ever take a break, that little voice that never shut-up in my head. Replaying and becoming stuck on every real, and futuristic situation you have ever faced. RRT which is a form of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy. This therapy is so awesome for that you do not have to relive, or even recall details of the traumatic event.  It is called a bottom-up process and just focuses on relocating and detaching the physical pain from the mental pain.
 I was introduced to Rapid Resolution Therapy during my stay in a local rehab felicity. During this time all of the horrible events came rushing back, with having nothing to quiet them down. The counselors were not interested in my past, or what even lead up to alcohol abuse, they just wanted to make my life drug free.  Being drug-free was just a holding place for me, I knew that if these trauma’s and anxieties were not treated, my life would be full of alcohol abuse, destruction and no real relationships or future.
 The room was silent, filled with patients and concerned loved ones. A tall, nicely dressed gentleman walked into the room and introduced himself. “ Hi, I’m Dr. Q, A trauma therapist, and I am here today to talk about trauma’s and anxieties related to drug addiction.”  I was hooked and latched onto every word he said. After the lecture was over, I promptly went up to him and introduced myself as his newest patient. I am sure he gets this all the time, but there was a look of seriousness and desperation in my eyes.  He talked with me briefly and handed me his card, which I put in a safe place, so I could call my mom later, and tell her all about this treatment I really wanted to look into.
 That evening when everything has settled down from that day, I made a call to my mom, and she called and made me an appointment. Patients in rehab get top priority, so I was able to get in that following week.  The week leading up to that day was torturous, with many restless nights, sleepy days with panic and fear just pouring out of me.  My fellow rehabbers helped me through each situation the best they could, mainly just listening.
Appointment day arrived, filled with joy, anxieties, and curiosity my mom pulled up to the treatment center, and signed me out for the day. In the first session with Dr. Q all  I knew was that it was video taped, and it lasted up to 5 hours, but no shorter than 2.5.
 The tape started, Dr. Q started asking me questions.
“ So Bree, what pleasure do I have of treating with you?
   “ I can not get my mind to shut-up, I am having, and have had these vivid flashbacks.I am unable to fully put my head underwater, whether it is in a pool, or shower, in fear it brings back such hard emotions, and physical pain.”
“ My sleep is anything but restless, although I do not know what is going on, I thrash, kick, yell,  and scream, most of the time it is for help, and or fear, of what is going on within my subconscious mind.”
“ I always feel somebody is trying to harm me, I have kept a huge secret my whole life, “ That I was a victim of a sexual assault at the age of 13 and again at 23.”
“ I also want to understand why I choose alcohol as my go to, and that when I do drink, 9 out of 10 times it would trigger horrible, vivid and real flash backs, to the point where I am unable to move from fear.”
“ I shower at least 4 times a day, but never felt clean, and or even relaxed.” This started in early childhood, I would say around age 4.”
“ I worry and stress about literally everything, in my control and not in my control, but should be. Control gives me the power that was taken away from me at such a young age.” There becomes a point in which I want control so bad, that I start to gain control in other ways, such a not eating, working out, art, and the worst but most often drinking.”
“ I have no cried actual tears since childhood, crying was embedded in me that it was a sign of weakness, and not allowed.”  NOTE My parents have never told me crying was bad, or a sign of weakness, we think one of my babysitters might of.”
 After expressing all of this he said to me “ What would a life without all this pain look like to me”.
  This was something so unimaginable to me, I just teared up, bit my lip hard and said wonderful!  He then asked me to pick an object that represents something meaningful and strong to me. My choice  The Lotus Flower, so from this point on I am to imagine the Lotus Flower, as my end result. To be unharmed by all that is around me, and to flourish beautifully even though I have been to the depths of darkness and back.
 As the season contained I grew more and more skeptical about RRT, It did not feel like anything was going on expect a series of the same questions asked different ways. Then once my guard was completely down he asked me to close my eyes and imagine myself in a body of water. “ I imminently opened my eyes, and said no way!”  He told me he would be here the whole time, and he just needed that panic, and fear to happen so he could get my brain back on track.
So I closed my eyes once again, gripping the pillow tight I imagined myself in a body of water.” I felt my heart starting to beat uncontrollably, my hands became shaky and sweating, and my breathing became labored. He had me right where he needed me.  Just as I was about to freak out he had me think of the lotus flower, take a deep breath and open my eyes.
 I looked around the room with blurred vision,  I did not know what just happened. It took all of few moments to get a panic, terrified and real emotion out of me. The worst part is over. Having and showing these raw emotions was a golden opportunity for both myself and Dr.Q. He now broke down the event, making me close my eyes again at each stressful moment and to focus on my Lotus Flower, and his voice. As the hours passed by I became more and more tired.
  The Break
We took a nice lunch break and went out to get food. As conversation started, doing our best to not talk about the session but more about my family, how they took to me being a lesbian, my girlfriend who I see as my wife one day.  It felt so great to talk with a professional, as an adult and for them not to just jump to labeling me this or that. He wanted to make sure that coming out wasn’t a traumatizing or troubling situation, which he discovered that it had been. Setting that aside for our next visit, we already had so much to cover, and we both knew it couldn’t be completed by today. As lunch finished up we headed back to his office, and into the room, turning on the camera as we walked in.
 It took Dr. Q a little bit to get me back into the mind frame where he needed me. In this part of the session, he wanted to focus on detaching my physical response to the troubling event, so that when  I think of the event, those physiological responses won’t happen.  Than as he was talking to me, the response happened tears started to fill my eyes, and my body started to shake a little, the moment he saw this he asked me what was going through my mind, and for me to shut my eyes and think of that Lotus flower, I dug my nails deep into my thighs, He imminently  asked me to open my eyes, and to stop. Something deeper was going on, he wanted to know what.  He kept asking me “ What just happened.”, “ What made you grip so tightly to,” I told him I was too scared to move forward, and that I really wanted to be done for the day. As we closed the session, he told me that he was looking forward to helping me more, and to call him if I am having any problems.
 Back to rehab
As I make my way back to the rehab felicity I notice that my body is so weak, and my mind can’t even form a sentence.  I see a group of my friends waiting to greet me by a door, all asking questions about my sessions. Seeing Dr.Q was a luxury, one that many rehabbers didn’t have, my heart breaks for them, but this is my time to just focus on me, and because I am privileged I am able to seek the best care possible.  The advice I gave everybody, who would be attending a  Dr. Q session, is to be open, and expect to be talked raw by the end of it, and have really no idea of what or how you all of a sudden feel lighter but mentally drained. Dr. Q is still in my treatment plan today, we meet every 2-3 weeks after I graduated rehab. Today I only see him every other month, unless a crisis strikes me. He says my progress is outstanding, but he wants me in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy two to three times a week.
  Out of rehab and to this day
 I have been out of rehab for over two years now,  and see great improvement even with setbacks. Today I am able to put my whole face underwater, and shower without any triggers for flashbacks, or self-harm.  My alcohol abuse is limited to a few days to a week at a time. I know that sounds like a lot, but when this happens we know it is time for me to go for RRT again.  It is so important for me always stay in check with my mind, body, and to listen to that noise in my head, whether it is conscious or sub conscious.  My sleep’s are still restless, and many nights are spent awake and or waking up in a complete panic, and can not go back to sleep for hours, but I am happy to say that my last session got my drinking under control, and we had a break through with me opening up and talking about what was really hurting me even if it was so painful to face, I would come out stronger overall.  Getting help in any form of therapy is a great idea, there is help within every budget, and or insurance plan. Wellness does not happen over night, but with one foot forward and just the hint of willingness you can be on the path to peace and recovery.
Dr. Quintal’s Website

The Puppy who saves me Every day!

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   We all know dogs are man’s best friend, and they have done some heroic acts, and on a daily show us how much they love us, and need us. Yes,  I am a dog mom, and my little girl has earned her Emotional Support Animal Certificate. so here is our story,
   A bond severely damaged, from a long time ago, to being fostered and mistreated, to meeting
 me. Bailey’s life will never to be the same, and little did I know either would mine.  I have had a dog growing up, but I spent so much time out of the house, and state, I was not able to bond with little Quincy, so this little man is my moms. Iv always envied this bond, and really wanted this bond, so from this point forward in the blog, keep in mind that I believe everything happens for a reason.
    It was the summer of 2015, I just met my girlfriend, Rachel. We were taking a trip up north to visit her family, and while we were at her house, this tiny, buff colored little puppy bounces through the front door; My heart instantly melts!  She ran right up to me, sniffing, walking all over me, making sure I was okay! Throughout the day I played with her, watched her interaction with our other dogs, and nieces, ages ranging from 14 months-8 years old.
    From the moment my eyes laid eyes on this little girl, my heart was filled. I was going through the hardest time with my addiction and relationship, my erratic moods and behavior did not affect Bailey’s bond with me, with time she allowed me to gain her trust, and quite often I’d break it, and she is so forgiving. As time went on, I got my drinking under control and  spent all my days tending to this little girl, taking her on tons of walks, playing fetch, and tug of war. She kept my clouded mind focused on one thing; her!  Today Bailey is one of the happiest pups, she saves me every day, showing me how to be patient, and love unconditionally.  Bailey understands my moods, and when I’m down, and just need to sleep, she cuddles right up next to, and never complains once.
     This month Bailey will receive her Emotional Support Animal ID, Allowing her to always be by my side. My anxiety is so high most of the days, I can’t see myself leaving the house, or seeing any friends, but when Bailey is with me my heart isn’t racing, and I’m not panicking and wanting to be home.
 If you or a loved one suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and other mood disorders, you could be eligible to get your dog certified as your emotional support.
 Add emotional support dog link