Going Out when anxiety says no! 

One deep breath in, and let it out, and another. I can do this, I can go out with friends, and my family. I can do this. Nope, my heart starts racing, tears would start flowing and my anxiety is screaming at me, telling me all the reasons why I’m better off at home. There are too many times to count, that I have stayed home because my anxiety said it’s too scary out there, to many people, not enough control. You have control at home, and in your neighborhood so why leave.

My first experience with anxiety and leaving my home, happened about 4 years ago, every time I had to leave the house it was this big deal, my heart would start racing, and my anxiety would tell me, stay home, it’s safer and more control here. There had been times where my mom would ask me to go to the store with her, and I’d just panic and start to cry, and run to my room. During this time I or my mom had no idea what was happening, I always use to be up for a car ride, and adventures now I’m scared to leave my house.

As time went on, with the proper medication, and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), my fears have gone down, and i have discovered some reasons why. I have been in 4 major accidents and 3 of which I was driving. I lost my ability to trust myself and to be able to always keep myself safe. I worry about all the other drivers on the road, who don’t care and haven’t been through accidents and trauma.

As of today, I can leave my neighborhood 2-3 times a week, it always takes a lot of effort, but the effort is worth it, seeing my friends and family, has helped me a lot with the depression side of bipolar. This did not happen overnight, so take it day by day, and have a close friend or family member know what’s going on, and they can’t leave your while out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: No portion of this may be shared without my written permission and used as your own.

The Therapist

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The room was silent, the only exchanges were nervous glances, and awkward body language, with my feet, pulled up to my chest, I hug my knees and stare down at the floor. My therapist starts asking me basic questions,  I answered with hesitation and no trust; her trust had to be earned, we had to see mostly eye to eye. This was the usual routine with my first few therapist appointments. It took five or six tries until I found the right one,  so if you are thinking of giving up, don’t. You will find the one you click. Be persistent!
 For me, life started to change in the 9th grade when my anxiety started to show itself.  It always felt like I had this monster following me around, this heavy feeling on my chest and my brain was on repeat, playing over and over situations that may never ever happen.  I was constantly worried and exhausted from being anxious. My body started to get weaker and day to day life was becoming unmanageable. I was prescribed an anti-anxiety drug that helped but did not control my thoughts, just my physical symptoms.  I needed therapy.
If you are having trouble finding a therapist right for you, and wondering if they will accept your insurance, go to psychologytoday.com. This website has guided me in selecting the right therapist. The website allows you to see their educational background, areas of specialty and insurance they accept.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: No portion of this may be shared without my written permission and used as your own.

The start of my Fashion Career 

 

It has finally paid off, with a lot of hard work years of practice; all while studying for a criminal justice degree and dating a guy, who gets deported to Canada, so naturally, I went with, while i was living in Canada, an agency found me, but couldn’t sign me because of work visa issues, So they contacted the NYC office without me knowing, and next day I got an email, saying that they want me to fly to NYC to meet me face to face for a possible contract. From that moment on I kicked myself into high gear, moved back to the states and unknowingly opening the doors for addictions to start growing, starting with food, or lack of food, insane exercise routines, and prescription stimulants.
It is two months after my contract signing with a top NYC agency, and I am finally on the plane making my final move to the Big city, but not before I spend a few months living with my aunt on the Island of New York; which wasn’t bad, since it was only a 30 min train ride each way. I did not yet have any friends, iv only been on a handful of casting calls, and a couple photoshoots. This went on for weeks, commuting back fourth before i landed my apartment in the city, a place where they housed all Women, my parents, though it would be safest, and the best way to meet new friends. “Only women, this is heaven!!!”. I thought to myself because I had not fully come out about being a lesbian to my parents, and family. I will be talking about my experience of what it was like to be on my own in the city, and how I came out to my family, friends and current boyfriend, but you will have to wait to find out, how this unfolds, it gets pretty crazy.

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: No portion of this may be shared without my written permission and used as your own.

Welcome to my world Before

 One more step back, another, a little more, where is the wall??? Why are these people in my way? Can’t they see me? it’s hot in here. Stop bumping my arm. Get away from me. Why are the lights so bright? Are they laughing at me?  Stop laughing!! I can’t find the wall. My foot hits something- I’m falling but I stop.  Hands are on me lifting me.  Don’t touch me- let me go! I break free. I step back and find the wall. I look around at the party around me with my back against the wall- I am drenched in sweat. People are moving everywhere – the music is so loud! I’m pressing harder into the wall, it’s my safe place. I am starting to breathe again, deep inhale, a slow exhale, again… I am feeling calmer. I look down, where is my shoe?
That was my life undiagnosed and unmedicated.
My name is Bree, and I have Bipolar1, Anxiety & Panic attacks, OCD, PTSD, and Addiction. My life has never been traditional, or “boring”.  Growing up was fun for me, in that I started modeling at the young age of 3, and knew by the age of six years old that walking runway shows for local boutiques was something I loved doing.  My parents realized early on that I needed to keep my time as structured as possible, so after school sports and tutors twice a week during the elementary and middle school years were routine.
As I grew older, my passion for modeling and fashion grew stronger. By the age of sixteen, I was enrolled in a professional modeling school and practiced the high fashion runway walk in every spare moment in front of the mirror. I had a few friends but was very content to be on my own perfecting my make up applications and fashion poses. My life was balanced between school and extracurricular activities and I was happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: No portion of this may be shared without my written permission and used as your own.