Asking for help can be one of the bravest and best things we can do to save our lives. The disease of addiction is not a solo problem, nor does it happen overnight. My unknown addiction started at a very young age when I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin medication at age five. Even at that young age, I realized how different the medication made me feel. I liked this feeling better, it made me less sensitive to the world around me and I was able to make friends and be in social situations for a much longer time. As I grew older, I started to understand how the medication actually worked. By reducing sensory overload it allowed me to focus on just one or two tasks through to completion. I fell in love with the feeling of not feeling in addition to being able to keep my weight under 100lbs and knowing I could achieve anything without being tired. This went on through my college years from 2009-2012.
The darkest memories I have of coming home were the many nights iv spent in my room, with a bottle or two and some stimulants. These nights were dark, and long, filled with shame and frustration. it was just a few months after I came out to my family, that I was a lesbian, life was awkward, I needed mental peace, and out of this strong addition. So I got up the courage, to make a friend online and ask for help. I know asking a stranger, but it was the only way to get help, without being judged, or questioned. She was a guardian angel, I felt. So we arranged to meet at my house so she could get me these detox and withdrawal medication. The day she showed up at my house, I got so nervous, i had to tell my mom, about my addiction, and why I was getting medication from a stranger. Fear and sadness were the only emotions in the room, I was looking down at the floor as tears flowed down my face. I was excited to kill this demon inside me. It took me about 4months to be completely okay without the drugs, but I was drinking massive amounts of red bull, just to feel ok, since the drugs were gone, and I was so happy to start to be free from the demon.
Telling my parents about my addiction, took more courage than coming out. I knew they would blame themselves, especially my mom. None of this was their fault, nor mine really. It got to the point where the only time I used the bathroom, was to do my drug of choice. I started to grow more ashamed with myself, and was so broken, and confused on how to get unaddicted. I was never told about the N/A program and kept it a secret that I had a problem, to this day I am 4+ years clean of prescription stimulants. I am ok with being over 100lbs, but also it is my the first time in my life that I am weighted every month, so my weight is closely monitored and each time I am not completely stressed out.
Disclaimer: No portion of this may be shared without my written permission and used as your own.