Mood State- 5 Feeling Good!
From the moment we are born, we are comforted by our mothers warm touch, safe in her arms and feeling love for the first time.
If only… if only I had been held as a newborn would I have all the relationship issues I have today? That was the question that was burning in my brain as I woke up this morning. So much for entering the new day in a calm state of mind. Now I am hyper-focused on my birth and the lack of emotional and physical attention I had in my first few months of life most likely the cause of my trust and bonding issues I live with.
I was abandoned at birth in a Russian hospital where I spent my first four months of life, fighting to survive as a 3lb 4oz premie. I was moved to an orphanage that had one hundred children under the age of five years old with only five caretakers. About 20 of those children were infants. Needless to say I missed the attention and physical touch that calms the brain and develops the necessary human bond of trust. These are basic things I missed – knowing I would be picked up when crying and fed when hungry and held with love. Apparently, and according to my therapist, it has impacted me through my whole life causing havoc.
Developing bonds with friends, partners, and even my parents was challenging. I tend to keep everybody at a distance, and only share bits of important information that one would need to know to understand me. I do not attach myself and always prepare for the worst. I am always ready for my new friend to hurt me, but as a pattern, I would usually do something to cause the friendship to end before I got hurt. I have ruined and lost a few good people because of this. When I do make a friend I question why do they want to be my friend and what do they see in me? Can I trust them? Would they have my back and cherish the information I share with them? I also don’t want to be a burden to them. I know I can be a lot to handle and do talk a lot, and have energy when I shouldn’t, and especially annoying to some, love deep conversations. I am overly caring at times, but also super mean and distant somedays. I know these behaviors can be worked on to an extent – I’ve been made more aware of that. Making friends is easy, but keeping them is the hard part. Getting the anxiety to clam down enough to realize I am worth their friendship and I am not a burden. To have them understand that if I am up at 3 or 4am, walking back and forth in the house, it is anxiety and to just let me be, or hold me if I allow. That brings me to my control anxiety. I have to always be in control…. but that will be for another day…
With therapy and understanding friends,